INSTALLING A HUSBAND 

Dear Tech Support, 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 t o Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0  and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. 

What can I do? 

Signed, 
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE, 

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the  Guilt 3.0 update. 

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0  should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. 

However, remember, o veruse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to  Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. 

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) 

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and   Hot Lingerie 7.7. 

Good Luck Babe! 
Tech Support

 Oh oh, what will all the men here say?

Bloopers in letters to government agencies:

 Funny Letters to Government Agencies

1. Dear Sirs, please stop my assistance since I got a job begging in October

2. I am writing the Welfare Dept. to say that my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothing for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have had 6 children. Can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead, as the man I am living with can’t do a thing until he knows.

8. I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my boy as illiterate. This is a dirty lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.

11. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

12. My husband got laid off from his job 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t had any relief since.

13. You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

14. I have no children yet as my husband is a bus driver and works night and day.

15. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

16. I want my money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with a doctor for 2 weeks and he hasn’t done me any good. If things don’t improve I will have to send for another doctor.

(In response to the question, “Why have you applied for public assistance?&rdquo My husband left me last month and I am in need of ass

More funny stuff: http://www.innocentenglish.com/

The message: The thread is locked and will be deleted in 24 hours.

regarding one of my posts : http://www.turkishclass.com/forumTitle_33845

A message like that does not make me laugh, it makes me wanting to cry. Freedom of speech? Freedom of press? Yes, but only if one say things that others like to hear. Apparently the word ´freedom´ does not have the same meaning to all. What a pity.

THis is awesone really!!!

ills end it to allllll myfriends

Mine was a sarcatic laugh though. In reality, i find ´trying to slience people with cencorship´ pathetic in reality.

HAHAHA OMG!! read this!!!

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold..and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants downand started. In the deep snow, she didn´t have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car´s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date´s concerns about ´what is taking so long´ with a reply that indeed, she was ´freezing her butt off´ and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be ´pants down.´ And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno´s comment...´This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.´

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

PETER KAY´S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can´t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ´My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic´?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that ´has trickled through mountains for centuries have a ´use by´ date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ´I think I´llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out´?

What do people in China call their good quality plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don´t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why is a person that handles your money called a ´Broker´?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

Makes ou think, doesnt it??